How Ridiculous Can Conspiracy Theories Be?

It is one thing to believe that the United States has some form of futuristic tech hiding in Roswell, New Mexico, or to believe that there are other intelligent life forms in the galaxy. But it is another thing to believe conspiracy theories that Britney Spears was used as a government cover up or that dinosaurs were used in the construction of the pyramids.

I am okay with conspiracy theories. They serve the purpose of providing an explanation to some unknown quantity.

CONSPIRACY THEORY – A THEORY THAT EXPLAINS AN EVENT OR SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES AS THE RESULT OF A SECRET PLOT BY USUALLY POWERFUL CONSPIRATORS. – MERRIAM-WEBSTER

There is, without a doubt, things that have happened and that are going on in our world that we do not know about. It is where this is taken too literally, that some people cross the line over to outlandish and ridiculous.

Crazy conspiracy theories exist. They still try and serve the same purpose of explaining something unknown. It is the way they go about it that makes you question the sanity, and quite frankly the dignity, of the person who first thought of it. Some of these theories must have had a lot of thought put into them; you don’t just dream about these things. How people came to some of these conclusions boggles the mind. Even an Australian bogan could tear apart these theories.

None the less, they exist, and I am going to talk about them.

CRAZY CONSPIRACIES

This first lot of theories are very widespread in their belief. They aren’t just crazy, they have ‘reputable’ evidence behind their existence and people are trying hard to make you believe them.

In most articles of similar nature, they will tell you to form opinions and conclusions about these yourself. But if you really think that these are true, I will open the door for you on your way out, because you probably won’t know how to open it yourself.

REDHEADS ARE ALIENS

A conspiracy theory exists that redheads are in fact unlike normal humans and they are aliens. They were sent to earth by some great and powerful beings to rule and control over us, or some bullshit like that.

Read this post taken from a forum about ‘Are redhead’s DNA of alien origin?”:

THERE IS ANOTHER RACE THAT HAS BRANCHED OFF FROM THIS GIANT RACE, THE RED-HAIRED LYRANS. THEIR HAIR WAS RED TO STRAWBERRY BLONDE IN COLOUR. THE SKIN TONE VERY, VERY FAIR; THESE ENTITIES HAD A DIFFICULTY IN EXPOSING THEIR SKIN TO CERTAIN FREQUENCIES OF NATURAL LIGHT, DUE TO THE PLANET THEY SPRANG FROM. SOME OF THESE WERE ALSO GIANT IN STATURE, THOUGH THERE WERE SOME WHO WERE ABOVE AVERAGE HUMAN SIZE. EYE COLOUR WAS GENERALLY LIGHT TO WHAT YOU WOULD NOW CONSIDER GREEN, THOUGH IT IS A DIFFERENT QUALITY OF GREEN THAT YOU SEE UPON YOUR WORLD. THESE ENTITIES WERE SOME OF THE LYRAN PIONEERS.

Ridiculous, isn’t it? At what point redheads evolved from being just not liked into being out of this world entities with features beyond human capability. The worst part about it is that a lot of people believe it.

I would tell you that you would never look at your redhead friends the same again. But you won’t, not because of this bloody ridiculous theory, but because you probably don’t have any redhead friends in the first place.

REPTILIANS CONTROL OUR WORLD

HUMANITY IS ACTUALLY UNDER THE CONTROL OF DINOSAUR-LIKE ALIEN REPTILES CALLED THE ‘BABYLON BROTHERHOOD’ WHO MUST CONSUME HUMAN BLOOD TO MAINTAIN THEIR HUMAN APPEARANCE. – DAVID ICKE

Don’t you worry, it gets even better.

THE LEADERS OF THE WORLD HAVE AMASSED SUCH AN UNRIVALLED POWER BECAUSE THEY AREN’T HUMAN, BUT IN FACT A SECRET GROUP OF SHAPE-SHIFTING, REPTILIAN HUMANOIDS. – DAVID ICKE AGAIN

David Icke founded the theory that we are, in fact, controlled by shape-shifting reptilian creatures. Try saying that with a straight face. Side thought, does this mean that Donald Trump could be an iguana?

David theorised that a group of reptilians came to Earth — 20 different breeds — and fought for control. All in search of some sort of gold that let them do all sorts of magical shit. Today, suspected reptilians include the Rockefellers, The Rothschilds and various Presidents of the United States.

Surprisingly, I am not yet convinced of this theory. But 12 million Americans are. Probably the same people who thought Donald was a great idea. Once again I re-iterate, America, the greatest country on earth.

DINOSAURS HELPED BUILD THE PYRAMIDS

One of the great wonders of the world, one man’s greatest creations, an example of man’s greatest engineering feats, the Pyramids of Egypt. But was it really all man’s creation? Or did dinosaurs help us build the pyramids?
Per the director, Vince Fenech, at the Accelerated Christian Academy:

OF COURSE, THE ‘DINOCEROS’ (DINOSAURS) EXISTED. IT IS MENTIONED IN THE BOOK OF JOB. THEY WERE USED TO HELP BUILD THE PYRAMIDS.

If the Accelerated Christian Academy is teaching it, then it must be the truth, shouldn’t it? How dare we question them.

The part that I cannot fathom is that kids are being brought up being taught this. What next, we write a serious article? Did Jesus fake his death like Tupac?

What is even worse is that the school curriculum does not stop at such brilliance, Fenech continues to mention other things that are taught at the school:

WHEN MAN LANDED ON THE MOON (IN 1969), THEY EXPECTED THE LANDING MODULE TO SINK IN A DEEP LAYER OF DUST. BUT THE LAYERS WERE ONLY A FEW INCHES DEEP. THIS PROVES THAT THE UNIVERSE IS STILL YOUNG!

Amen. Preach. Fenech is such an inspiration, and I hope my kids (when I have them), can attend the Accelerated Christian Academy.

THE MOON IS FAKE

Did we really land on the moon in 1969? Did Neil Armstrong really take one big step for mankind? Was that really the inspiration for Buzz Lightyear?

Apparently not only was the moon landing fake, but the moon itself is fake also. Some guy, who shall not be named to protect his dignity (google it), recorded the moon for a little bit. He apparently saw some form of waves going across the moon and labelled them lunar waves. Which, of course, automatically led him to believe that these are glitches in the moons hologram. How could it be anything else?

David Icke makes a comeback in this one. Icke argues that we should not be tricked into believing the moon is real, just because powerful people have told us it is real. Makes sense. Icke also believes that the moon is not a natural object, and is some form of a satellite.

The crazy part about this is the ‘realness’ of the moon actually has to be defended. Someone had to find evidence of the moon existing before holograms were a thing. Although theorists still try to claim bullshit on it as the evidence of the moon existing may have been tampered with. Like the moon itself, right? Am I getting the hang of this?

Hold up, maybe it is just a fake moon covering the real moon. People believe that bullshit too.

INTERNET CONSPIRACY THEORIES

Some conspiracy theories exist for the sake of existing. Well, more specifically, for reasons of the internet. These theories are ones that very few people subscribe to, but have been tossed around at some point by someone.

  • Rocks are soft and tense when you touch them. Does this potentially mean that rocks that are soft when you touch them are rocks that have forgotten to tense?
  • President Emeritus Obama can control the weather. Mr Obama, please don’t ever make it rain again in Napier when there is cricket on.
  • The purpose of the Large Hadron Collider is to awaken the Egyptian god of death, Osiris. It isn’t just any Hadron Collider, it is a large one, so it must be.
  • Jay-Z can time travel and is also a vampire. Apparently, he was photographed in 1939 which logically led to this conclusion.
  • Fake snow is real and the US Government tried to poison Georgia with it. Not too sure if this is a person or the country.
  • All the Pixar movies are a part of one universe. This is the only conspiracy here that I care about. Boy, I hope this one is true.

Whether you are an illiterate idiot and believe these conspiracy theories, or a sane human being and know they are bullshit, it is important that we keep conspiracy theories alive. For they create great comedic material for us at PYJAMA. Some of these have managed to astonish me as you. You would think we would be braced for anything here at PYJAMA, but it is quite the contrary. I am still shaking.

  • I make a lot of jokes. Most of the time they are bad, but sometimes I rip out some absolute pearlers.

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